How to Support Someone with Infertility

Infertility is an incredibly challenging experience, not only for those directly involved but also for their friends and family who want to offer support. In a recent conversation between Boston IVF social workers Dylan Everett, LICSW, MSW and Stephanie Rodrigues, LICSW, they shared valuable advice on how to navigate this delicate situation with care and compassion. Here are some key takeaways to help you better support a loved one dealing with infertility.

1. Listen and Validate
One of the most important things you can do is simply listen. When someone is going through fertility treatment, it’s often a difficult and emotional journey. While it’s natural to want to say something comforting, Everett and Rodrigues emphasize that the best support comes from being present and validating their feelings. Fertility treatment can be exhausting, and acknowledging that this experience "sucks" for many is often more helpful than offering advice or silver linings.

Instead of trying to fix the problem or offer hopeful comments like, “It will happen eventually” or “At least you can have fun trying,” it’s more supportive to acknowledge the difficulty of the situation. Statements like, “I’m really sorry you’re going through this. It must be so hard,” can offer the validation that your loved one needs.

2. Avoid Unsolicited Advice or Toxic Positivity
When someone opens up about their fertility struggles, resist the urge to share success stories or give advice unless asked. Phrases like, “Don’t lose hope” or “I know someone who got pregnant after trying for years” might seem comforting, but they can often feel invalidating to someone who is still struggling.

Everett and Rodrigues suggest avoiding stories that are meant to uplift but often lead to the person feeling isolated or as though their feelings aren’t valid. Toxic positivity, or trying to make everything seem positive, can unintentionally dismiss their pain. Instead, let them feel heard and understood by offering a non-judgmental space for their emotions.

3. Educate Yourself
To be a supportive friend, it’s important to take some time to educate yourself about infertility. By understanding the basics of fertility treatments, you’ll be better equipped to offer support without putting the burden of education on the person experiencing infertility. This doesn’t mean you need to become an expert, but even having a basic understanding can help ease the emotional load on your friend or loved one.

Boston IVF social workers recommend resources like Resolve.org, which offers guidance on infertility etiquette and provides insights on what can and cannot be helpful to say. Being proactive about learning can make a big difference, showing that you’re committed to being a supportive ally.

4. Be Thoughtful with Pregnancy Announcements
If you find out you’re pregnant while a close friend is struggling with infertility, be mindful of how you share your news. Everett and Rodrigues suggest sharing the news privately, preferably over text, so your friend has time and space to process their feelings. A face-to-face conversation may put them in an uncomfortable position where they feel pressured to react a certain way.

This approach allows them to manage their emotions privately, without feeling the need to mask their sadness or disappointment in front of you. Even though they may be happy for you, they will likely appreciate the extra sensitivity during this time.

5. You Don’t Have to Fix It
It’s natural to want to solve your loved one’s problem, but it’s important to remember that you’re not responsible for making them pregnant—that’s the doctor’s job! Your role is to be there as a supportive presence. As Rodrigues notes, “There’s a lot of power in just being present.”

Simply being there for your friend and actively listening to what they’re going through can be incredibly powerful. Sometimes, the best support is your presence—without feeling the need to say or do anything that could take away from their experience.

Final Thoughts
Supporting someone going through infertility is all about being empathetic, patient, and informed. As Everett and Rodrigues emphasize, you don’t have to have all the answers or say the perfect thing. What matters most is that you listen, validate their feelings, and avoid offering unsolicited advice or toxic positivity. 

Remember, your friend’s journey is unique, and the best thing you can do is offer a supportive and understanding presence throughout their experience. By educating yourself and being mindful of their emotions, you can help lighten their load during this difficult time.

For more resources and guidance, consider visiting Resolve.org, the National Infertility Association, for tips on infertility etiquette and ways to offer meaningful support.